How can I mprove this writing?

The story goes nowhere, but how do you like the flow of the words? How can I better them?





Today I woke up at 8 o clock. In the A.M. I was tired. The bed seemed to hold me down. I was being pulled down by some cosmic pressure. As I awoke, nonsense was being poured into the space around me. I was rambling. Some jibberish I was writing the night before. My mind felt the need to expound on this in my sleep. I dreamt of beautiful red heads with copper skin, and death (I fear what nocturnal intensities of moral crusades and midnight bank robberies happen upon me tonight). The spastic, and furiously consistent alarm clock had not woken me. A mental schedule had. Some say this is a sign that you are getting older.


Somehow my feet pulled the rest of me off the bed, and I was hurled, zombie-like, out into the shower and the rest of the giant, indignant world and my society. I looked at myself in the mirror for a second. But I have no vanity in me so I looked away again, and I hopped the little divider bar, where in the next 50 years, someone will die as a result of it’s slimness and slickness. The shower was hot and pleasant. I scrambled out the door, half asleep. My destination was exactly 3.89 miles away. Corflex, Inc., my place of employment.


I leaped into the back of the building, to avoid some smokers, even though I smoke. I was exactly one minute late. I doled out a good morning for the Chinese stitchers, who just sit there sewing all the live long day. I also handed one out to an autistic man who calls me his uncle. This man is about 35 years older than me. The thing is: his defect was intensified when he wrecked his car and almost died at twenty. I am among but a hand full of people of whom he has any human understanding. This makes me feel special in his distant and impenetrable world,


I then saw my boss. I was supposed to visit him at his house up in Pittsfield (47 minute drive, approx. 55 miles departing Manchester). With no money and no phone and no internet I wasn’t able to tell him that I didn’t like the idea of going all that distance, with a lapsed inspection sticker, almost no gas and five dollars. I thought of State troopers, lumbering out of their cars, volleying tough questions at me, and me cracking. I thought momentarily of some tragic thing happening to me on an interstate in the Great North Woods. It just happened recently here. A young man, about twenty four, shot and killed a state trooper who had put some pepper spray in his face, somewhat questionably, then turned his back on the 24 year old. The 24 year old then drew his pistol, firing six shots at the trooper. The trooper was struck in the head several times. They released the video to the news media, somewhat questionably. The television screen then showed the 24 year old run the trooper over with his car, several times. The 24 year old was then suddenly struck in the head with a few bullets from a local man’s gun. The man was shady, and had a violent past, and that portion of the days events hadn’t been caught on videotape. Nevertheless, the man walked away unscathed, and is not facing any criminal charges. As far as the public is concerned, any Joe Sixpack should be able to blow a cop-killers brains out. It would just be foolish to keep him alive and maybe find out what the **** happened so it could be prevented from happening ever again, right?

How can I mprove this writing?
poor state trooper =[ he got shot


I like this i want to read the rest.....
Reply:If you would have spelled improve correctly, I would have helped.


So perhaps that's a first step.


Learning to spell.
Reply:way to choppy, for instance, the first sentence put like this





Today I woke up at 8 o clock in the morning and i was really tierd. .





got it?





good luck
Reply:read some books and pick up on other authors writing styles. Also try and refrain from using a thesaurus too much. Some part just dont make sense. ;-)





Good effort though
Reply:Generally it's good, and I don't believe it doesn't go anywhere - this is the start of a great story, right? You've put in a lot of subtle details that build up suspense, which is really good.





You use WAY too many short sentences. Short sentences have their place, but if you use them too much in one go it ends up sounding like a list. A variety of sentence structure will give your writing better rhythm and help you build in tension and suspense. Try reading it out loud; take a breath after every sentence and you'll see what I mean!





Some of it is a bit too wordy as well (especially the first couple of paragraphs) which makes it seem overdramatic, and there are certain details which seem unnecessary.


"I looked at myself in the mirror for a second. But I have no vanity in me so I looked away again..." made me go back and read it again to see if I'd missed something.


"...To avoid some smokers, even though I smoke" also seemed a bit weird.


"I then saw my boss" reads more like some kind of report than a story; why not just put "I went to see my boss"?


And you use the phrase "somewhat questionably" twice in four lines, which sounds funny.





Are all the numbers important to the story? When I read numbers in a story it kind of jars my reading, maybe just 'cos I don't like numbers, or maybe because I'm not sure if they are important and I have to remember them (for example the distances you give). If this man remembers lots of numbers and distances and is very precise, and it's important to his character, I'd make even MORE of it so that that's clear. ("I doled out a good morning for the thirty Chinese stitchers..." "This man is thirty-four years older than me" and I'd take out the "in the next 50 years" because it's not precise. If this is NOT the case and the numbers are unimportant, I'd get rid of as many as I could.





Well that's my opinion, hope it helps. Good luck with your writing!
Reply:Whew. A first-person short story. Oh, how many people have messed that up! I have an issue with first-person writings, you see: when written correctly, they are amazing, but for a poor writer, they are an easy excuse for mediocrity. After all, if something doesn't make sense, why, that's just how the character sees things! Bah!





Anyway, let's break this sucker down to see if you have been able to pull it off.





Paragraph 1:





8 o'clock in the MORNING?! Wow, that just makes my 5 - 6 AM wake up seem trivial. Consider changing this to an earlier time... your character obviously has nice hours if he can sleep in until 8. Unless, of course, that's really late, which you try to imply with mentioning that the alarm doesn't wake him up. But if you are going to do a first-person, then you must try to integrate a sense of urgency into the story if that is late for him. Instead, you give a feeling of him slagging around.





"I dreamt of beautiful red heads with copper skin,"... uh... uhm... hehehe... uh... you might want to consider all the connotations in that there fragment.





"The spastic, and furiously consistent alarm clock had not woken me." Something about this sentence is just too much. Maybe too many adjectives. It just doesn't fit with the tone that you established for your character.





Paragraph 2:





"...and I was hurled, zombie-like, out into the shower and the rest of the giant, indignant world and my society." You have a good sentence here, until the second half. He was hurled into society directly after his shower? Wow, I don't think he'll last long in that state! Consider removing the second half... it doesn't really fit.





"...and I hopped the little divider bar, where in the next 50 years, someone will die as a result of it’s slimness and slickness." My issue with this sentence is that it's a statement. You are saying that, for certain, someone will peel out in your character's shower within the next 50 years. Now I'm assuming that this is something your character is thinking as he pops into his steamy shower, but this isn't established. Perhaps you should consider it being a mental image he describes to the reader: "As I stepped over the metal divider, gripping the slick, metal handrail, I had a vision of the countless cracked skulls of careless individuals attempting this very act. I shook the image out of my mind. Wow, I was tired!"





"My destination was exactly 3.89 miles away. Corflex, Inc., my place of employment." Precise. Very nice.





Paragraph 3:





"I leaped into the back of the building, to avoid some smokers, even though I smoke." I'm sorry, but this, despite knowing otherwise, gives me the image of your character leaping out of the window and ending up as a bloody heap on the pavement below. Maybe 'leap' isn't the best word for this sentence. Maybe 'slipped' or 'snuck' would be better.





To be honest, I have issues with this entire paragraph. I understand that this is only a fragment of your story, but try to avoid going off on tangents. Remember: if it doesn't advance the plot, then don't put it in your story! It's nice that your character gave money to an autistic man, but in explaining your character's bond to him, you wasted valuable space which could be used to describe the setting. Right now, all your reader knows is that there's Chinese people sewing and an autistic man. We don't know if the street is dirty, dingy or noisy or if the air is crisp, cool, clean or throat-clogging. Assume your readers have never been where you're writing about.





Paragraph 4:





"I then saw my boss." Wow! That was a quick 3.89 miles walking on an non-descript street! Your character is already at work? You didn't even describe him walking through the door, grabbing a cup of joe, or anything.





I think, after reading my assessment of your previous paragraph, you'll know what I find fault with in this one. It's a giant tangent. Unless you are planning to refer back to the 24 year old crazy cop-killer further on in your story, you are wasting your reader's time. You haven't yet described yourself, your boss or your surroundings. We know your character works at Corflex, Inc. but we don't know what he does there. We don't know how he got there so quickly. We don't know what he's wearing. We don't know if he has brown hair or black or a scraggly grey beard. The only thing you established about him in this entire paragraph is that he's poor right now.





The only thing we know for sure about your character is that he's male... and we had to figure that out from one sentence in the second paragraph: "I looked at myself in the mirror for a second. But I have no vanity in me so I looked away again,..." No woman would look away again! =P





So how could you improve your story? Quit wasting time with internal stories that don't advance your plot and start using that time on describing the things, places and people in your story. Don't assume your readers know what you're talking about: we're stupid; we don't.





Hope that helps!

yoga