Poem... what do you think?

I put some of of this up a couple days ago... but I finished it now, and I'm jsut wonder what people think of it now.











I can still feel your hand in mine,





and I smile,





one godly pure smile because for one second I forgot.





I forgot that you’re not by my side,





showering me with your warm kisses.





I lived for those kisses.





The pure intended of your mouth on mine,





the strawberry taste that I feel afterwards.





Oh, god, what I give to feel you again!





When you are tender hands make contact with my skin.





Oh, how I shiver!





And now how my body is starving for your touch,





and my lips thirsting for you.





For which there is know end,





but for now you’re gone





and I’ am left here obsessing over your quaint and adoring memories of time we shared.





Oh, but now I fear to lose that too foe each memory is slowly fading for my eroded mind.

Poem... what do you think?
yes, you might be a decent wordsmith, but that doesn't mean that your grammar and syntax can completely disappear. Poetry is an art form. You can't just slap it together like this. Take the time to correct your grammar, punctuation, capitalization, etc.


Also, I would lose the first few lines altogether. They do nothing for the poem. Start with "I lived for those kisses". Make sure that you make sense in line 7 with the "intended". I'm confused by it. Change line eight to "The strawberry aftertaste" or something a little less wordy and awkward. Cut line 9. In line 10, make "you are" into "your". Cut the "oh, how" in line 11. That's just way too cheesy. Line fourteen is grammatically off. Just say "There is no end". Then line 15 should be "And for now you're gone". Line 16 "And I'm left here obsessing over your quaint and adoring memories of time we shared." But it needs a little work. Too many adjectives. Try "And I'm left here" line break "obsessing over our shared time." The last line should be "I fear to lose that too foe each memory is slowly fading for my eroded mind." But it makes absolutely NO sense whatsoever. Completely rearrange that line so we can understand it. Then you'd have a decent poem to work with. You have a good basis in natural talent with words, but you need some classes. Lose all those preconceived notions of how poetry should sound. Good poetry is hardly ever this over-the-top dramatic.
Reply:nice poem its nice , profound and kind of engaging good job !





*2 thumbs up*
Reply:I like it.
Reply:very GoOd!!
Reply:Truthfully?


It needs work. I don't understand what you meant by "intended" in line 7. And in line 8, it should be "felt" rather than "feel", because you are speaking in the past tense.


In line 9, I felt that you meant to say "what I WOULD give", instead of "what I give".


Line 10 should be "your", not "you are".


Line 14 says "know end". It is supposed to say "no end".


In line 16, there isn't supposed to be an apostrophe after "I" and truthfully, all of line 16 doesn't work and there are several problems with the last line I see as well.


Is English a second language for you? If so, I can see what you're trying to say, but it doesn't work as poetry.


Good attempt though! :)


lulu
Reply:you have the gift of words..words my friend..if there ever is magic or miracles its the written word and you touched my heart with yours ..congrats you have the gift..do not let people take this from you words can be your best friend in,good times,bad times , when shadows come after you words are there and when you look up in the sky and the sun shines on your face words are with you congrats!
Reply:i thought it was sexxii...= ]
Reply:I really love it, but I would ditch the last 2 lines, they sound like an afterthought, it's obviously a memory, with you obsessing





you seem too vibrant to have an eroded mind, as a reader I don't want to see you in that light, I would rather you stayed pensive about your love lost.
Reply:i give u a 4 outta 10.