Mugged! - What can James Bacon do?

My mate James Bacon has lost all his self esteem, he wets the bed, gets regular nightmares, is afraid to go out after 2pm everyday, has gone right down to just 8 stone, aquired an Ambino white complexion and vacant expression. He stutters when speaks and takes loads of pills for anxiety. Despite having a BSc(Hons) 1st class and being a chartered accountant both from the Open University he now works as a full time Gimp at the Travel lodge, since all his self esteem has been diminished. He feels terrorized and the cops as usual say they cant do anything because the evidence is only 99.99% accurate and the CPS always rejects the petition for court stating it is a weak case! This is all after he was mugged by Greek Terrapins for the second time, outside the local co-op just round the corner from where he lives. But its not everyday 44,000 terrapins suddenly appear from the woodwork and mug someone! What can he do to get his life and skin colour back? Or is he lost for all time

Mugged! - What can James Bacon do?
Oh dear, oh dear. What a poor state of affairs your friend has gotten into. I suggest he runs away and joins the navy, but beware, worse things may happen at sea!!! I guess its a chance he just has to take.





As for his pale skin color, nothing can be done i'm afraid. He just has to make sure that he has kids with a black women to neutralised the pale genes and give the next generation a better chance in life.
Reply:I'm afraid Mr Bacon's goose is cooked, he's had his chips, he's jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire - the latter may help with his skin colour though!
Reply:Ah poor James - what a pig of a thing to happen. There is, however, a simple remedy he should change his aftershave and deodorant from "Soir de Greasy Spoon Cafe" to "Crocodillia for Men" self tanning cream and deodorant. This is the latest thing in macho male cosmetics it is made from an extract taken from the sex glands of male crocodiles and is guaranteed to scare the living day lights out of Greek Terrapins. The downside is that though blond ladies with large boobs find it irresistible so do even larger lady crocodiles - not much difference really! Still it would make a change from being mugged by Terrapins.
Reply:WTF
Reply:Oh forget it just fry him along with an egg and eat him for breakfast !!
Reply:I'd say he should lay off the Acid on a semi-permanent basis. That's what I call a bad trip man!